beliefs
July 2007 
Regret
Posted on Sep 3rd, 2006
by 
Adriel
Adriel
I've been learning how to deal with disappointment lately and just came to a new realization.
I make decisions I later regret.
Sometimes the regret is almost instant. Other times it's years later.
In looking at this from several perspectives here's what I found.
I got here by realizing that I was resisting this reality in my life. I know that “what you resist, persists”. So when I felt my resistance to this belief, I said to myself, “I make decisions I later regret.” I felt instant relief, relaxation and more free attention. Accepting the creation I was in was the key to becoming source over it.
I relaxed a little, felt a bit more free attention.
Then I realized that these decisions-that-were-later-regretted were called mistakes. Hmmm. Could anyone imagine a life without mistakes? How would that be possible? How would we learn anything if we're unwilling to make mistakes for fear of later regretting those decisions?
My stomach relaxed even more. I felt more free attention, less struggle.
Then I thought of how people learn to play music by not stopping when they hit a clam. A 'clam' in music is a wrong note. If you stop every time you hit a clam, you'll never get to the end of the song. If you keep going, you find the music flowing and, miraculously, you'll hit fewer clams.
I could feel the same is true in life. Feel the flow of life, hit a clam, keep flowing. Find the music in the flow and release that in the moment.
I began to actually feel excitement about moving forward, more free attention to the moment.
Then I remembered a piano recital from my past. The teacher had nothing but adult students and all were accomplished pianists. Many were professional piano teachers and accompanists. But all the students were anxious and struggling even though the audience was composed of their fellow students.
Why?
All the students were “note-bound”. They had spent years learning to play music exactly as it was written on a page. Now they were playing the 12-bar blues - a basic jazz improvisational form. There was no pre-written and studiously practiced sheet music. Anything could happen within the bounds of the 12-bar blues.
I was playing bass beside a drummer I'd never met. The student would give us the key, call out the tempo and we'd start. The drummer and I were experienced jazz musicians and used to improvising. We played at least 30 versions of the 12-bar blues that day. Each time, I'd have a little solo and the drummer would, too. But the big deal was when the piano took a solo. Most of the time the students were sweating, shaking and not very good. Lots of clams.
But we never stopped playing, no matter what happened, no matter how many clams were hit.
The applause at the end of each performance was rich and heartfelt. And their success at improvising music in front of people changed their lives. They were no longer note-bound, they could play whatever they felt. It was a moving experience to support these people in their evolution and I know it went far beyond the 12-bar blues.
I'm feeling pretty good by now, lots of free attention, ready to get on with my day.
Then I remember the prime rule of improvisational comedy.
“Yes! And...”
No matter what comes up, you must always say, “Yes! And...”
One performer says, “We're doctors.”
The other replies, “Yes! And we're in a cave...”
“Yes! And there are things slithering around in the dark...”
“Yes! And we pull out our scalpels and little flashlights and search for the way out...”
“Yes! And we stumble across a sleeping bear...”
“Yes! And...”
This prime rule never fails to move the skit forward and it can quickly become very creative and funny. Try it with children and see what happens.
Imagine taking whatever comes in life with a simple, “Yes! And...”
What would happen? Where could this lead?
I realized that the identity that carries the belief, “I make decisions I later regret” is coming from “No! But...” rather than “Yes! And...”
And, from the perspective of that identity, all decisions are suspect, likely to be regretted. Even decisions that lead to success always include some unintended consequences to be dealt with. When I make a decision, I'm automatically eliminating all other possibilities. I choose one path and everything else I could have done is lost in the moment. That's just the way life is.
All these are beliefs supporting that identity and there's lots of proof for those beliefs. And, at the bottom of that barrel of beliefs and proofs, is the belief, “I'm sick of living like this.”
Who wouldn't be?
There's no way out of that cave and there are endless things slithering around, and sleeping bears to stumble over, and bats, and bat guano, and...
What if it's as simple as deciding to look at all of that from another perspective?
“Yes! And we suddenly turn a corner and see a flash of golden light..”
“Yes! And we feel fresh air blowing on our faces...”
“Yes! And the light of the sun glitters on the amazing treasures we've found...
”Yes! And we hear beautiful music...“
”Yes! And we realize it's the 12-bar blues...“
”Yes! And we smell a big pot of boiling clams...“
-a-
I make decisions I later regret.
Sometimes the regret is almost instant. Other times it's years later.
In looking at this from several perspectives here's what I found.
I got here by realizing that I was resisting this reality in my life. I know that “what you resist, persists”. So when I felt my resistance to this belief, I said to myself, “I make decisions I later regret.” I felt instant relief, relaxation and more free attention. Accepting the creation I was in was the key to becoming source over it.
I relaxed a little, felt a bit more free attention.
Then I realized that these decisions-that-were-later-regretted were called mistakes. Hmmm. Could anyone imagine a life without mistakes? How would that be possible? How would we learn anything if we're unwilling to make mistakes for fear of later regretting those decisions?
My stomach relaxed even more. I felt more free attention, less struggle.
Then I thought of how people learn to play music by not stopping when they hit a clam. A 'clam' in music is a wrong note. If you stop every time you hit a clam, you'll never get to the end of the song. If you keep going, you find the music flowing and, miraculously, you'll hit fewer clams.
I could feel the same is true in life. Feel the flow of life, hit a clam, keep flowing. Find the music in the flow and release that in the moment.
I began to actually feel excitement about moving forward, more free attention to the moment.
Then I remembered a piano recital from my past. The teacher had nothing but adult students and all were accomplished pianists. Many were professional piano teachers and accompanists. But all the students were anxious and struggling even though the audience was composed of their fellow students.
Why?
All the students were “note-bound”. They had spent years learning to play music exactly as it was written on a page. Now they were playing the 12-bar blues - a basic jazz improvisational form. There was no pre-written and studiously practiced sheet music. Anything could happen within the bounds of the 12-bar blues.
I was playing bass beside a drummer I'd never met. The student would give us the key, call out the tempo and we'd start. The drummer and I were experienced jazz musicians and used to improvising. We played at least 30 versions of the 12-bar blues that day. Each time, I'd have a little solo and the drummer would, too. But the big deal was when the piano took a solo. Most of the time the students were sweating, shaking and not very good. Lots of clams.
But we never stopped playing, no matter what happened, no matter how many clams were hit.
The applause at the end of each performance was rich and heartfelt. And their success at improvising music in front of people changed their lives. They were no longer note-bound, they could play whatever they felt. It was a moving experience to support these people in their evolution and I know it went far beyond the 12-bar blues.
I'm feeling pretty good by now, lots of free attention, ready to get on with my day.
Then I remember the prime rule of improvisational comedy.
“Yes! And...”
No matter what comes up, you must always say, “Yes! And...”
One performer says, “We're doctors.”
The other replies, “Yes! And we're in a cave...”
“Yes! And there are things slithering around in the dark...”
“Yes! And we pull out our scalpels and little flashlights and search for the way out...”
“Yes! And we stumble across a sleeping bear...”
“Yes! And...”
This prime rule never fails to move the skit forward and it can quickly become very creative and funny. Try it with children and see what happens.
Imagine taking whatever comes in life with a simple, “Yes! And...”
What would happen? Where could this lead?
I realized that the identity that carries the belief, “I make decisions I later regret” is coming from “No! But...” rather than “Yes! And...”
And, from the perspective of that identity, all decisions are suspect, likely to be regretted. Even decisions that lead to success always include some unintended consequences to be dealt with. When I make a decision, I'm automatically eliminating all other possibilities. I choose one path and everything else I could have done is lost in the moment. That's just the way life is.
All these are beliefs supporting that identity and there's lots of proof for those beliefs. And, at the bottom of that barrel of beliefs and proofs, is the belief, “I'm sick of living like this.”
Who wouldn't be?
There's no way out of that cave and there are endless things slithering around, and sleeping bears to stumble over, and bats, and bat guano, and...
What if it's as simple as deciding to look at all of that from another perspective?
“Yes! And we suddenly turn a corner and see a flash of golden light..”
“Yes! And we feel fresh air blowing on our faces...”
“Yes! And the light of the sun glitters on the amazing treasures we've found...
”Yes! And we hear beautiful music...“
”Yes! And we realize it's the 12-bar blues...“
”Yes! And we smell a big pot of boiling clams...“
-a-
Access: Public